Father Patrick writes

New patterns for funerals              

Twenty years ago, most funerals in England were conducted by Church of England ministers in churches or crematoriums.  As our society has become more secularised, we have seen a rise in humanist funerals and, more recently, in funerals conducted by celebrants.  I recently attended a funeral which had been very professionally put together by a celebrant.  It was an excellent celebration of a life, and I deeply appreciated the opportunity to see the coffin, to pay my respects, to express my condolences to the family and to mark the passing of a friend alongside his other friends.  I was sad that there was no attempt, even with great charity and dignity, to discuss any of the characteristic difficulties of the deceased, and this meant that he was only partly recognisable in what was said.  And, of course, I missed the religious aspects whereby the starkness of death is seen in the light of God’s eternal love for us.  But I still found the funeral a very poignant moment for recognising the end of an important friendship and for bringing myself to a point of closure.

Death is difficult to cope with.  The rituals of a funeral (even if they are not the rituals we would have chosen!) do help us to acknowledge and accept a death that has occurred and help us to move beyond our loss.

In the last three years the rapid rise of “Direct Cremations” has meant that many cremations are conducted without ceremony in unspecified crematoriums, at unspecified times, according to operational convenience and with no mourners present.  The remembrance event, if it happens at all, is completely dissociated from the body of the deceased.  This approach is heavily advertised as avoiding the fuss and difficulty associated with a funeral.  I do worry that what is really avoided is the difficulty of acknowledging our loss and finding closure.

On 21^st May we held a “Grave Talk” event encouraging people to discuss with their relatives the kind of funeral they might want, and to write it down.  This can certainly feel difficult, but it is a great help to those who  must one day deal with the difficulty of our death.  I commend it to you.

With prayers and best wishes,

Fr Patrick